Begin Within by Ginny Hamilton
The weekend after my only child turned one, I climbed into the passenger seat of a friend’s car and headed west.
This isn’t a story of abandonment – I was gone less than forty-eight hours as planned – it just felt like abandonment at the time. Home with him for that year, I’d done pretty well with taking breaks: a weekly sitter, Saturday yoga classes, and even the occasional date night. But a whole weekend? The idea loomed large, guilt mixed with anticipation.
My hubby had pushed. “When are you getting away by yourself? It’s been more than a year,” he added, referring to my personal practice of an annual solo retreat. Since leaving my first marriage (here’s that abandonment guilt again), I had kept the commitment to take a retreat every year. To retreat. My job at the time sent me traveling once or twice a year, and I’d tack on a few vacation days to hike by myself in a national park or find a yoga center within a half day’s drive.
During one such retreat, I realized I didn’t have to know what I was doing next to know I had to stop what I was doing. So I left my burn out job leading a mission-based organization I’d helped create more than a decade earlier. (Insert abandonment guilt refrain.) The week after I gave my board six months’ notice, I found out I was pregnant.
Doing Next turned out to be riding the hormonal roller coaster of sleepless nights and intense infant nursing. Policy meetings gave way to regular feedings. Sleep schedules replaced grant schedules. I let go of expectations and sleepwalked through the hazy days of new motherhood. Patterns began to emerge, none unique to this territory of identity, gender, self-care, introversion and isolation. Somewhere in the depth of that New England winter, my hubby began prodding me to get away.
Three hours west from home, there’s a prominent yoga retreat center. I browsed their online catalog and found a favorite teacher coming the weekend after my son turned one. Realizing solo didn’t feel so important, I called a friend who likes this teacher, too. We booked a shared room and she offered to drive.
On the low stage at the front of a large hall sat a substantial man with long, wavy silver hair. Every bit the hippy he looks, he’s been teaching yoga for decades. He opened the workshop this way,
“I’m gonna tell you the secret – it’s all about meditation.”
My new mama body longed for movement. And there was a bit of physical yoga practice. But mostly it was a weekend to sit. Think less. Listen more. And learn to sit, think less and listen more on one’s own.
During our last session Sunday morning, his talk was about relaxing in the midst of life so you can be the presence of peace. Two-thirds of the way back, in the center of the room, I raised my hand.
“I’ve been trying to simplify and listen and remove the things in my life that aren’t working. And I do feel happier as a result. But I also feel a whole lotta guilt. Self-care feels selfish. What do I do with that?” I asked.
“Get over it” he replied, his voice matter of fact.
The room erupted in laughter.
I tried to smile, embarrassed to feel tears pooling in the corners of my eyes. Begging them not to fall.
He held my gaze, smiling with his whole self. And as the titters died down, kindly he explained that the benefit will spread. Becoming peaceful within ourselves can only improve the lives of those around us, our community, our global family. But especially the lives of those we love most.
“When you become centered, balanced, you stop hassling yourself. What a relief!”
Kindness begins at home. Radical kindness begins within.
Ginny Hamilton is a yoga instructor, blogger, Reiki practitioner, gardener, activist, and middle-aged Mama. She has put down roots in the Pioneer Valley of Western Massachusetts with her spouse and young son. She teaches self-care through yoga and body work, and hopefully by example. Learn more at ginnyhamiltonyoga.com
Kindness Blog 
Lovely and affirming article.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Carrie! I’m glad it struck a positive chord for you.
LikeLike
I asked and the Universe answered. The timing of this piece is perfect. Thank you for sharing. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’re welcome. I love how the Universe takes what we offer and spreads it around. I appreciate you sharing!
LikeLiked by 3 people
Love it 🙂
LikeLike
Perfect! My latest journey began about 2 years ago. It was a thanksgiving holiday and I spent 3 days as shutins on the internet , netflex while my kids played on their ipads. This was bad. So I started practicing yoga. Every other day. It was a long road but I stayed with it. 2 years later, I’m a daily practitioner and I’m cutting out the negative in my life. It’s led to a divorce but one that probably should have happened long ago. My kids are thriving and the possibilities seem endless. Change comes from within.
LikeLiked by 2 people
It’s interesting look back on those turning points, don’t you think? I was looking through journals last night because it was 10 years ago (I know) this week (I believe) that I first stepped foot into a yoga studio. Post divorce for me, and a saving grace in that transition. Glad you are doing well, George. Thanks for sharing your journey.
LikeLike
Thanks, George. Good for you 🙂
Cheers, Mike.
LikeLike
Reblogged this on Ta hendene til din kjære – se på dem og hold dem hardt Disse hendene skal du følge, leie og lede. Du skal få føle på varmen fra dem og kjenne en inderlig glede. De skal stryke deg og de skal holde rundt deg – de er ikke skapt for å såre i vrede For du skal ikke alene mer vandre. De skal klemme og kose og aldri klandre De skal skjerme deg for det du ikke selv ser. De skal elske og aldri forakte – bare hjelpe når du ber. Disse hendene skal jobbe for at dere skal få det godt De skal gi – og du skal takke for det du har fått. De skal tvinnes sammen i kjærlighet og være ømme og gode og et tegn på inderlighet Hendene du holder er sterke og unge De skal gjennom mye for din skyld når dagene er tunge De skal stryke og klemme og være gode og fromme De skal ruske i ditt hår og takke når dagen er omme Disse hendene skal følge deg gjennom livet. De skal holde fast ved deg og verne om samlivet De skal være hos deg når alle andre har gått De skal aldri slippe men holde fast og tørke tårer når du har grått. Hendene skal bære din ring med rette Den skal skinne og for alle berette Jeg elsker deg! – kan den bekjenne Det er bare en som har maken til denne En dag er hendene blitt ru og grå Hver fure og rynke forteller om livet som bak dere lå Dere kan minnes den dagen i dag – da et livslangt bånd Ble knyttet Og fra denne dag dere gikk Hånd i hånd..
LikeLiked by 1 person
Many thanks, Lisa!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I love this story, GInny, which you had shared in our yoga intensive with Arthur. Now I can hold onto it in a more permanent re-readable form! Barrie
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks Barrie!
LikeLike
The part about “get over it” and the tears in your eyes brought tears to my own eyes. Felt like I was there — thanks for the experience.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks Erin. Tears came again when I was writing it, reminding me to be honest and include them in the story. It was such a loving “get over it” – it’s stuck with me as a reminder to not take things, especially myself, too seriously.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for sharing this lovely piece. So many of us, myself included, struggle with feeling selfish for taking care of ourselves. It’s so true – self care benefits not only us but the ones we love the most. It’s a win-win!
LikeLiked by 2 people
So true Liz, but leaves me wondering why so many of us feel like that. Any thoughts?
Cheers, Mike.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Liz. It really is a daily practice to remember , isn’t it?
LikeLike
“Get over it.” Right.
And – I love your question that led to that answer.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks El.
LikeLike
Well said, Ginny. I understand this so much better now than when it happened. Thank you, Universe, for the timely reminder!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks Fiona! I’m glad this resonates for you today.
LikeLike
Hi Ginny, Care givers often find caring for themselves challenging. And they (we) need it the most ! The guilt is one of those ‘parts’ of the ego structure that needs to be nurtured by the higher Self. ‘Its ‘ok’ if your not spending every moment of your life helping others. Also take time to let others support and nurture ‘you’ so the energy of love can flow both ways, completing the circle. Then there is Wholeness. Summer needs winter, day needs night, we all need each other.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you, Arthur. Fierce independence is one of my big blocks. “Allowing love to flow both ways” is such an inviting way to approach this block. As always, I appreciate you offering another way to view my patterns.
LikeLiked by 1 person