I’m not one to speak on this subject, really. I’m my own worst critic and an expert self-bully. I’ve spent years and years perfecting the art of belittling myself. What a shitty thing to be good at.
I caught myself doing something yesterday that I do almost every time I look in the mirror – and decided it had to stop. As I stood in front of the bathroom mirror at work, I ran through a mental list of my physical flaws. It’s a quick and compulsive response to seeing my reflection. The entire process takes about 20 seconds, which, oddly enough, happens to be the exact amount of time needed to destroy my self-confidence. I walk away feeling something between numbness and hopelessness.
On this occasion, I actually said aloud, “Wow, you look horrible” to myself (before double-checking that I was alone). Here’s what the rest sounded like in my head:
“Yep, those deep, dark circles are still under your eyes – worse than ever. You need to go to bed earlier. Your hair is a mess. Why can’t you get your shit together? This shirt doesn’t suit you. It makes you look pregnant. What were you thinking this morning? Your hips are huge! You need to workout more.”
Now, I will admit that if another person had said that to me, I would be outraged and angry. I would be hurt and immediately remove them from my life. I can’t even imagine saying just one of those things to someone I love, or even a stranger. So, why is it OK for us to say these things to ourselves? Why is it OK for us to objectify ourselves?
These poisonous sentiments have become my mantra. Negative, horrible words I throw at my own disappointed face every day without thinking. No wonder I lack confidence and conviction. No wonder my voice sometimes comes out in little more than a whisper. No wonder my head is full of self-doubt and anxiety. I treat myself as though I have little value, and as if my value is derived from my physical attributes.
The condensed version: I’m a bully.
I wasn’t born with these beliefs about myself. As a young child, you don’t notice the differences; you embrace all people. Hate (even directed at yourself) is learned.
I learned cruelty from other children, growing up as a chubby kid. I learned failure from all the diet plans I tried. I learned embarrassment from looking like a stuffed sausage when I tried on my skinny friends’ clothes in high school. I learned self-doubt by always watching the confident girls and never really taking the lead. I learned self-criticism from watching other girls in front of the mirror at school, most likely emulating their mothers or what they saw in the movies (see “Mean Girls”). I learned the impossible standard of beauty as it is portrayed in the media as “normal” on TV and in movies and magazines. When I was older, men reassured me through their actions that they agreed that my value was indeed connected to the physical.
My insecurity is the perfect outcome for the media. Their advertisers have the solutions to all the problems I’m eager to fix: weight loss, anti-aging, hiding all my “wobbly bits,” and cleaning my kitchen with little effort. It makes you wonder if it’s all some grand design… Maybe that voice in my head is just some old, male advertising executive.
All of these pieces blend together to paint a picture of the person I “should” be, but never possibly could be. And, why would I want to, anyway? In our society, the perfect woman is one that has been carefully crafted to be pleasing to a man. To quote one outspoken lady I admire, “Ain’t nobody got time for that.”
We tell young girls to stand up for themselves, but, then, let them watch us criticize ourselves in the mirror. It’s time to stand up to ourselves, showing nothing but kindness. The voice in your head should be your biggest cheerleader, not your biggest critic.
I realize now that the “perfection” I grew up trying to attain is just some Hollywood magic; it doesn’t exist. I’d rather look at myself as a work-in-progress. There will always be something about myself that I will want to work on and some way that I will want to grow as a person. That’s the way it should be.
Fuck perfection.
You are who you are, not who someone else wants you to be. So, the next time you look in the mirror, see only how beautiful you are.
Maggie is a 28-year-old, who loves writing and is trying to make sense of the things that happen in her life and the world around her. She wants to tear the world apart with words…
Things in her life changed drastically the day she was in a car accident that left her with severe chronic pain and a mild traumatic brain injury. She is trying to change her life and not let these things define her. So, she has decided to try something that I she hasn’t to date: talk openly and honestly about her life and try to process everything that’s happened.
Read more of Maggie’s writing at https://themagzee.wordpress.com/
I totally feel what you write about! What I read sounds pretty much like my own story. The worst bully sits in our head. It is crazy that dramatic things need to happen and make us change the way we look at the world and ourselves. But it shows that it is never too late to change our mind towards a better feeling and towards self-love. Thank you for this beautiful post!
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Its a human challenge maggie…..you are not alone. say wonderful things about yourself like I am beautiful I am joy I am love I am that I am….
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That’s the right way to think Maggie, except don’t fall into the trap of blaming men CEOs for all the marketing hype and false images of perfection. There are people of both sexes and all ages out there trying to make money any way they can.
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What a great piece of writing.. I know from my own perspective I did loads of ‘Mirror work’ upon my self as I learnt to Like and Love me… We so often feel unworthy and pull ourselves down.. Great Post… We are all of us BEAUTIFUL.. and its just how society has learnt to perceive Beauty…
Blessings
Sue
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Honest and beautiful. We are far harsher on ourselves than we would imagine being to others. The change has to happen in the mirror, and when it does, little else will matter.
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Please remember we only had one perfect person walk the earth and we killed him. We are all fixer uppers even those perfect models who have been dolled up beyond the norm. As an old fart, I can say you will learn the lesson of age that no matter how good people may think they look, they do age and their appearance is impacted. Medical science permits folks to polish up the apple as much as they dare and can afford, yet they should alter their mindset.
People should strive less for perfecting physical beauty and just be the best person they can be treating others like they want to be treated. This inner beauty will live on long after the physical beauty wanes. A final comment – not that my opinion counts, but I think you should give that person in the mirror a break, as from where I sit she looks great. All the best, BTG
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Wonderful thoughts. Just wonderful. Thank you.
Best, Mike.
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I know exactly where you are coming from. That’s me, too. My self-bully makes it hard to accept a compliment. One day I asked myself why I believed what others said about me when it was negative, but not positive. This simple thought was a revelation. Although I still need reminding sometimes, I now believe the good things and know that the bad things aren’t really about me.
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Recently, while I have started to accept my body as it is, I realize I am having difficulty accepting my own personality, quirks etc. I find myself asking why can’t I be more outgoing, better at speaking, etc. I am not sure we can claim either one is worse than the other, they are both harmful. Both impact our self-esteem and confidence. I find myself struggling between the line of wanting to be better and accepting myself, flaws and all.
Thank you for your post!
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It sounds like me. I truly relate.
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I am a fierce defender of those I see being bullied, taken advantage of, criticized. I never realized that what I do to myself is everything I rail against. I too am a self-bully. Thanks for saying something that obviously many of us needed to hear. Now…how to make the change….hmmmm
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Wow…been there… been bullied by others and bullied myself at some point. This is a very sad and bad habit… We are unique beings and all are worth! And who is to say what the standards are and what one should be! Each of us is a ” work of art in progress” … be kind to yourself )
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