I have a clear cut dividing line in my life.
39 years on one side – 5 years on the other.
My husband’s {inoperable and incurable} brain tumor has been the greatest blessing I have ever received. Let me say it again – his brain tumor is my BLESSING. I know this with 100% certainty – I have never been so full of joy and happiness. Right here and right now. Oh, let me clear one thing up from the start. I am not in denial nor am I deluded. If you can let that suspicion go, the story means more.
We were sailing right along until…we weren’t.
Two amazing kids, happy and healthy, a ridiculously lovable yellow lab, a house on the best street in my favorite neighborhood, a career I loved, loads of friends and family – all that was missing was the proverbial white picket fence.
Life was easy shmeasy.
I didn’t really realize what I had. Few do.
There are always annoyances and challenges to consume our minds and to divert our attention. It’s the rub for us all, isn’t it? It takes a jolt to see what’s right in front of us. I surely got mine.
I will never forget my pivotal moment – the one that woke me from my despair and truly brought more light into my life that I could ever have imagined. Sitting on our sofa together soon after the biopsy of the tumor, Eric and I had tears streaming down our faces (I am sure I had snot running down my chin, too- I am an ugly crier that surpasses all other ugly criers. Trust me. It would make you want to look away)
We both were thinking the same thing….
Struggling to choke out the words…
We are so blessed.
We were beautifully overcome by gratitude for what we had. We had love and support and spiritual nourishment and physical nourishment and kindness and concern… We had it all, and we were finally able to see it.
Never again, not one moment, has it been about what we don’t have or what has been taken away or what may happen in the future.
The joy I have has taken five years to cultivate. I practice. Every. Single. Day.
My joy, my life will never be perfect – it never has been. The difference now is that I don’t work towards an unattainable {and undesirable} goal. I thank God, the universe, the f-d up piece of DNA in my husband’s brain…. for giving me life.
We handle the f-ing brain tumor (FGlioma has become our mantra, our power) as the most trivial and meaningless aspect of our life. It doesn’t have power over us – in fact we have sapped it of all of its power by laughing at it, ridiculing it, using it for change and good and happiness, sharing with others our lessons through this journey….. it is weak and we are strong.
I need my children to know that life is beautiful
in the face of adversity and, no matter what, we get up.
It has been five years since I heard the words
“There is a mass in your husband’s brain…we need to get him to the Neuro ICU”.
These have been the five most difficult and yet rewarding years of my life. I have failed many times. MANY times. I’ve failed in how I handle my emotions, my husband, my children, my relationships with friends and family….. I have spent time being busy – so very busy – just to stop thinking. I have spent hours wasted on Netflix, escaping my reality. I have ignored even the simplest of tasks like returning a text or phone call. I left my job of 12 years and felt the overwhelming terror of filling the hours of the day by myself. I’ve cried. I’ve raged. I’ve been irrational and snarky and pissed.
But above all else I have come to a place where I am happy just to be right here in this very moment.
I am so thankful for my family and friends who love and understand unconditionally; for everyone following this journey and offering thoughts, prayers, and intentions; for a sense of humor that is the ONLY thing that makes life remotely tolerable; for my sacred yoga practice and community – my teachers and role models who have given me gifts that are truly magical; for my blessed and privileged life that allows me to follow my heart and passion.
Author Bio: Trish Rohr is a writer :: avid reader :: nonprofit founder :: yogi
Follow her on Twitter.
Read her Blog.
Also see Rohr Rockstars.
Kindness Blog 
Well done Trish.
LikeLike
thanks paul. the untold story is digging into the “why” of my ability to find this space….and to find ways to share that with the lost in our society. especially today in the aftermath of the Oregon shooting, it is important to share authenticity and our collective humanity.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ummm, so you think it can be bottled and shared? I am doubtful,but I have been wrong before. The way I see it is that you have forgiven God and forgiven life for dealing your husband a seriously foreshortened life span. The whole concept of forgiveness is very powerful and very difficult to make work. It requires an enormous amount of faith to achieve and maintain. It is for sure available to those who have experienced any tragedy – to any human in any situation. I would suspect that helping those who have been struck with tragedy will be about as easy as Socrates described dragging people into the light from the cave.
I am honored that you shared your epiphany with us and yet am skeptical that it can be taught to those who have not yet experienced it.
LikeLike
an interesting perspective….to me this event has absolutely nothing to do with God. He neither “gave” this to us nor will He take it away. Not for one moment have I placed blame or felt shorted by God. Sure it sucks. No one would argue that.
There is no doubt my faith runs deep. but it is a faith that I am capable in the face of adversity. It is a faith that believes 100% that love and kindness and honesty and compassion are the greatest forces in our world. Happiness comes not from the situation but rather from our ability to control our thoughts surrounding it.
In my opinion, of course resilience can be taught. I was taught. I was taught that I am important. I have value. I am strong. And, maybe most importantly, I am not alone. I am a privileged white woman. I want for nothing spiritually, emotionally, materially….I am the 1% and if anyone has been set-up to deal with life, it is someone like me. Surrounded by love and support, growing up in a family that has given me a self-confidence that is unshakable, absolutely puts me at an advantage.
My greatest hope is that my journey lets someone else see that they are not alone. And from that perhaps there is a piece of me that can push someone, even if it is almost imperceptible, away from despair.
LikeLiked by 2 people
“Hidden treasures” are often found through difficulty. Grace is present with you and yours. ~Storm
LikeLiked by 1 person
life is bitter and sweet….the challenge is to use the bitter to enhance the sweet…and to offer to our world our journies so that others may find a way to do the same in their lives. Thanks, Storm.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Absolutely, very well stated. 🙏🌺
LikeLiked by 1 person
Stay strong sis, my hubby has small intestinal cancer and after 25 years of marriage, I am learning something new everyday.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for your honesty. Thankfulness in struggles is what we need. I had colon cancer three years ago, surgery cleared it, but body is still suffering much pain from a variety of things. Thankful to God, wife, family, friends for all the support.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks for sharing your life with us as difficult as it is. I have lost several family members to cancer so I understand your pain that keeps going on and on…. Hold on to hope, hold on to your faith in GOD. Hold on to those moments and hold on to those memories. You are never alone Trish… May GOD carry you through….
LikeLiked by 1 person
What a very; sad and yet uplifting post. Thank you for sharing it with us. Know that; you have many people in your corner wishing you, and your family well.
LikeLiked by 1 person