If someone had told me ten years ago that I would one day be volunteering at a nursing home, I wouldn’t have believed them.
In fact, my 26-year-old self would have responded with,
“Pffft, yeah right. Sitting around with a bunch of old people all day? I’d rather watch paint dry.”
Thankfully my mind has opened up since then. Once a week for about three hours, I do sit around with a bunch of old people, and you know what? I love it! I have made some unforgettable friends at the nursing home, enjoyed a ton of laughter, and gained more wisdom than I ever could have imagined.
I want to honor my elderly friends by sharing six life lessons I’ve learned while in their company.
1 – Love is the Best Gift of all
I was walking down the hallway one afternoon when I heard a familiar voice calling to me from one of the rooms. I turned back and wrapped my head around the doorway to see Elsie looking up at me from her wheelchair.
“Hi! Where have you been? I missed you!” she said with open arms.
On the outside, Elsie looks like any other 96-year-old—her hair is as white and fluffy as cotton, her skin as delicate as tissue paper—but on the inside, Elsie is beaming with youthful energy. She’s the only resident who does a victory cheer after winning a game of dominoes.
We talked about raspberries and the approach of spring for a while until I noticed a letter sitting on her bed.
“Hey, what’s this?” I asked.
Elsie’s eyes widened as she grabbed the letter and slid her bony thumb along the seal.
“Oh, this is exciting,” Elsie said. “I wonder who it could be from.”
She took out the large piece of paper, slowly unfolding it to reveal crayon-colored hearts, glued-on sparkles, and the words: I Love You Grandma.
Elsie’s face lit up with joy. She kissed and smelled and stared at the drawing for close to a minute before telling me about the artist.
“This is from my great-grandson, Colin,” she said. “You know, I’m so very lucky.”
I knew right away how Elsie had maintained her vitality.
Growing old doesn’t have to be sad and lonely. Love is all it takes to lift someone’s spirit, to give them a reason to keep on smiling.
2 – Freedom from Ego is Freedom from Suffering
Mildred, a former school teacher still very attached to that role, is notorious for criticizing anyone in her path.
“Pull up your pants, young man!” she’s scolded me, clearly unaware that men no longer dress like Robert Mitchum.
She will then wheel herself over the next hooligan.
“Excuse me. Excuuuuse me. Why are you blocking this doorway? I taught for over forty years and I never stood for this kind of behavior.”
It doesn’t matter if the poor old man in the doorway is as deaf as a brick, Mildred simply must assert her position.
Mildred can’t stand losing at Senior’s Jeopardy. In her mind, being wrong is the end of the world, and she will stew about it long after the game is over, mumbling and cursing under her breath.
“That bastard doesn’t even have a degree.”
It seems impossible for Mildred to accept that her intelligence—the trait she has always identified with, always been known for—has faded with age.
Many other residents remain imprisoned by their egos. Former athletes and beauty queens who derive a sense of self from their physical form become severely depressed when the reality of a withering body sets in. Their new identity, old age, is strengthened by the sad stories of who they once were and never will be again.
The most peaceful people at the nursing home are free of ego. They have nothing to prove, no image to maintain, and live only in the present moment. Physical pain still exists for them, but the psychological pain associated with loss of identity does not. These rare individuals are so calm and surrendered, so detached from human drama, that they bring out the best in everyone. Even Mildred softens up in their presence.
I have learned that true suffering comes from investing one’s sense of self in the impermanent.
3 – Positive Energy is Real
Just before Christmas last year, I brought some shortbread cookies and a Christmas Classics CD to the nursing home. To be honest, I felt really drab that evening, certainly not in the right frame of mind to spread Christmas cheer to anyone, let alone a group of elderly people. But I put on my silly green Santa hat anyway, and tried my best to muster up some enthusiasm.
The moment I walked into the activity room, Agatha looked at me as if she had just won The Showcase Showdown, eyes wide, arms flailing about. She gave me an enormous hug and told me how wonderful it was to see me. My mood lightened immediately. I suddenly felt energized, as though a floodlight had turned on inside my brain.
I spent the next hour passing out shortbreads and singing along to Nat King Cole with my friends. We all had so much fun.
But I thought the party might be over when George, the resident grump, came shuffling in. He sat down in his usual chair and frowned at anyone who looked his way. Feeling so great, so impervious to negativity, I decided to approach him for the first time.
“Hey George, do you want a cookie?” I asked.
The lines on George’s face slowly began to smooth out as he flashed me the brightest smile in the room.
“Thank you very much, young man,” he said while shaking my hand.
I couldn’t believe it! It was like the transformation of Ebenezer Scrooge. After chatting(and even laughing) with him for a while, I discovered that George is actually friendly guy; he just needs to be shown some genuine kindness for that side of him to shine.
My beliefs about positive energy were confirmed that night—it’s attractive, it’s contagious, and it’s powerful enough to crack the hardest shell.
4 – We are not these Bodies
Lying motionless in bed, sunbeams stretched across her pale skin, Frieda stared off into space with vacant eyes and an open mouth. Her face remained blank as I crept into her room.
If I didn’t know Frieda well enough, I would have assumed that she had passed away before my visit that afternoon. But I had seen her in that frozen state of consciousness enough times not to panic.
Without saying a word, I pulled up a chair, picked up her cold little hand and gave it a kiss.
Life returned instantly.
I watched in awe as her skin began to glow pink, as her narrow veins filled with blood, as her eyes regained their sparkle. Frieda gripped my hand and smiled. We spent the whole afternoon chatting about nothing in particular.
Moments like this have shown me that we are not these bodies, that our physical forms—constantly fading and ultimately impermanent—are merely vessels which contain who we truly are, the indwelling spirit or life essence.
5 – Let Go of the Past
Many elderly people have trouble escaping the darkness in their mind. They lie in bed for hours on end, overwhelmed by the black pull of depression. By hearing them describe their thoughts and feelings, I’ve discovered one recurring shadow among them all: the past.
Whenever Frieda is severely depressed, which is about half the time I visit, her story is always the same:
“There are so many things that I didn’t do with my life. I made so many mistakes so long ago. I wish I could go back to that time and do the right thing so I could be happy now.”
She will point to the black and white photos on her nightstand, reliving memories that still haunt her to this day.
I asked Frieda once, “Do you usually get depressed when you remember the past?”
“Yes,” she replied. “I start to feel very low when I visit old memories, especially the sad ones.”
Frieda went on to explain that she feels her best when she leaves the past alone and just accepts whatever happened.
6 – I Have a Lot to be Thankful for
Without exerting much effort, I can hike through a beautiful forest, taking in all of the sights, sounds, and scents of the natural world; I can store and retrieve information in my brain; I can articulate my thoughts so that anyone can understand me. I’ve had these gifts for so long that I often forget to appreciate them.
But spending time with people who can’t remember what happened an hour ago, who can’t walk or bathe themselves, who can’t see or hear or speak clearly, reminds me of how truly fortunate I am. I become aware of all the precious, fleeting gifts that are so easily taken for granted in my youth.
Sometimes on my way out the door, Agatha will say something like,
“Enjoy what you have.”
I know exactly what she means.
***
From a thirty-something’s point of view, growing old doesn’t look like much fun. While I’m sure that some cultures make the elderly feel important and useful, here in the west we prefer to tuck them away in quiet little homes while society carries on.
It’s quite sad, but a few of my friends have told me how worthless they feel, how they’ve lost their sense of purpose. I remind them that they have taught me so much about life, and that simply being in their company has helped me grow into a kinder, more loving human being. If that isn’t purpose, I don’t know what is.
Author Bio:
Michael Baker is a writer, nature lover, and deep thinker from Ontario, Canada. His personal website, The Mind Well, explores ways to improve mental health and attain higher levels of awareness.
How lovely! My mother is 92 and at the end of her life. I’m relishing the time I have with her now, as I fear she will not be around much longer. You need to visit her housing complex!
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That’s very sweet of you to brighten your mother’s final days. She most certainly appreciates the love and attention.
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Reblogged this on crowdCONNX and commented:
Wonderful story!
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Beautiful ❤
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Reblogged this on While there is life, there is hope! and commented:
Touching article…
The elderly people should enjoy their life in THEIR HOMES not in nursing homes… It is the saddest thing to see how these people are actually abused firstly by their families when they are taken away from their environment. It should be the common sense which dictate in a family environment. Elderly people are not giving to the families a bad time, their are having a bad time. FAMILY should be their support. As they were ago when raised the children.
Thank you, Michael, for your article!
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Hi Simona,
You’re right, it’s heartbreaking to see an elderly person abandoned by their family. These lonely old souls need love and support just like anybody else.
What upsets me most is when I see a family member visiting and texting the whole time, or staring out the window like the visit is an annoying chore. I feel like saying, “This is your mother, your grandfather, your flesh and blood … sit there and be present in the moment with them for crying out loud … listen quietly to their stories … hold their hand … show that you care deeply about them.”
I think people as a whole have just lost sight of what really matters in Life.
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How marvellous that a young person can learn such wisdom from the elderly and the sick and infirm and then put that knowledge into words. My mother is in a care home with dementia, and from visiting regularly I can see how much there is to learn from our older generation. But then I’m not exactly a spring chicken myself. I loved this post.
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Wonderful post, Michael. God bless you!
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Oh, Michael, this brought a tear to my eyes. First, every aspect is beautifully written and engaging. I found myself wondering what each one of your learnings was. Second, you have a wisdom beyond your years. You say you are in your thirties, but I don’t know many of any age who speak with such insight, so mindfully and compassionately. When I was selling insurance 25 years ago, all of the agents in the office would direct the older people to me, knowing that I would sit with them in their homes for hours, chatting away. I love the wisdom of our older citizens. They have seen so much more in their lifetimes than I will ever see in mine. A very moving piece. Thank you for making the world a better place.
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Hi Maribeth,
I appreciate your kind words so much. Thank you for that.
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Michael, you are such a gift. Thank you for your writing and for helping others learn from your experience. Seniors are so often written off. It’s sad because they have so much they long to contribute. Thx for speaking up for them!
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We all have so much to share with each other. Thanks for being such a Light.
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This is a fantastic, heartwarming post. Bless you.
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Michael, this is an amazing post and one I can absolutely relate to. My mum is now in an aged care facility as she needs 24/7 care so I’ve spent a lot of time there this past year. The elderly can teach us so much. A wonderful post.
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Thank you for this post and for your appreciation of the wisdom that comes even from just surviving a long life. It is heartwarming to me to be made aware of younger people who know this and are willing to give such compassionate attention to those lovely older people. I am “only” 70 and so far in pretty good shape. But if I ever need to live in a nursing home I pray there will be someone like yourself there.
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Very nice my friend. I have always struggled with this issue. I was pulled from the adult psych unit to the geriatric psych unit several times as a mental health worker. And I visited my grandmother while she spent her final year in a nursing home. This is not my ministry, but I am so grateful for people like you. God bless you.
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I saved your post and only just read it today. And, I am so glad I did. As a youngster, I was very shy and often avoided situations in which I would have to engage in conversation. In 1980, a friend invited me to join volunteers from The Holiday Project in visiting nursing home residents on Christmas Day. It changed my life. I had never felt like I was in an environment that was so non-judgmental, all accepting, and completely appreciative. Now, more than 35 years later, I still volunteer with The Holiday Project and have spent wonderful times with thousands of people who just want a little bit of attention and the knowledge that someone remembers and cares about them. I am glad that you do too.
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That is a truly heartwarming story. Thank you for sharing 🙂
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