Since the 1st of March 2012 I’ve been a liar and I’ve lied to everyone I know.
I think I’ve lied hundreds of times. Maybe thousands. If you know me, then I’ve lied to you.
Now it seems really bad writing it down like this. It makes me look like a terrible person. Everyone hates liars, don’t they? Except I think my lies are justified. They’re necessary and they are helpful.
If you know me then I’ve probably helped you with one of my lies.
Have you ever asked me how I’m doing?
If you have in the past 3 years then I have definitely told you I’m doing OK, or I’m fine, or the big one – I’m great thanks. I’m none of those things actually and I never will be again.
If I lied to you it’s because I don’t want you, or me, to deal with the truth. I’m doing you a favor, because you wouldn’t know what to do or how to react. I’m not judging you at all, I just know that most people hate to feel awkward and I don’t want to cause you to feel that way.
I’m not fine though, every day is a battle. Every day is me pretending to be normal and happy and not falling apart. Every minute is me keeping my head above water – but only just.
I’m not depressed and I’m not anxious.
I’m grieving and I don’t know how to stop. I don’t think I ever will. How can I?
No matter how much the sun shines or how much good news I hear, my daughter is still dead.
She’s never coming back. I won’t hear her laugh or see her smile ever again.
I won’t watch her grow up, see her get married, graduate or have children. Her life is gone and part of me went with it. I won’t get that part back.
I’m not saying that every day is awful. I do smile, I laugh and I feel joy, but nothing is quite as sweet and nothing is quite as funny as it used to be.
I am fully accepting of this truth though, and I also think that everyone understands me lying to them.
Maybe one day I’ll say ‘I’m good’ and it will be the truth.
Editors note:
On the 1st of March 2012, Lucy’s 3-year old daughter, her middle child, tragically died after being hit by a speeding motorist.
Kindness Blog 
My heart goes out to you–no one and nothing can replace your daughter. I hope that one day you can say and feel that you are ok. Be as kind to yourself as you possibly can. You are not lying as much as surviving. Love to you.
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Your girl would want you to be okay. She would want you to be happy.
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To the mother who has lost her child I too am a mother who’s child is gone. I among many other mothers feel your pain. I take one day at a time knowing one day I Will see my son. If you are not aware, there is a group called TCF and they are nationwide. They have helped me with my grieving process. TCF chicago.org
Sent from my HTC
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I am so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. No words can comfort us when the tragic loss of a child occurs but I pray that God will give you the peace that you need. Praying for you!
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Hugs
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The Lord bless you and keep you; The Lord make His face shine upon you, wrap His loving arms around you and give you peace.
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No words for your pain and loss. I only pray that your daughter’s love and memory helps you find a slice of peace and happiness again. God Bless.
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“No parent should ever outlive their child” It doesn’t surprise me at all that your still grieving. Just know that you are loved =)
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You will never get “over” it, but you will get “through” it….God bless you!
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As I understand things, I’m certain that your daughter is grieving, too. Please send her a “Thank you for being with me as long as you could.” every now and then.
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So sorry for your loss. I know it’s not the same thing but I had a miscarriage. I never got to meet my child. I will always miss him.
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grief can be so lonely . . . I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending you prayers for peace
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Beautiful, honest, courageous Mother Lucy….you write of your grieving, withholding, lying to spare others, suffering and functioning only just…due to living through one of if not THE most painful human experiences on the planet…the death of your child. Your words…written above….raw and exposed….are so powerful. YOU are so powerful….because…your words , your story…..to be able to even get those words out of your head and heart onto a page and into the world….renders ME speechless with respect for you. From one Mother to another…from one stranger to another…from one human being to another…I am proud of you and as I type these words…I with all my heart…send you…my love.
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You say it for me. I lost my 6 yr old son 20/5/2012. I am a liar too. Thank you for understanding.
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I am so sorry, I think there can be no greater pain! Be strong, keep going!
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Sometimes we avoid the truth because sharing our real feelings make us so vulnerable. Losing a child is something none of us should have to face and there will always be that part that is not OK.
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