Since the 1st of March 2012 I’ve been a liar and I’ve lied to everyone I know.
I think I’ve lied hundreds of times. Maybe thousands. If you know me, then I’ve lied to you.
Now it seems really bad writing it down like this. It makes me look like a terrible person. Everyone hates liars, don’t they? Except I think my lies are justified. They’re necessary and they are helpful.
If you know me then I’ve probably helped you with one of my lies.
Have you ever asked me how I’m doing?
If you have in the past 3 years then I have definitely told you I’m doing OK, or I’m fine, or the big one – I’m great thanks. I’m none of those things actually and I never will be again.
If I lied to you it’s because I don’t want you, or me, to deal with the truth. I’m doing you a favor, because you wouldn’t know what to do or how to react. I’m not judging you at all, I just know that most people hate to feel awkward and I don’t want to cause you to feel that way.
I’m not fine though, every day is a battle. Every day is me pretending to be normal and happy and not falling apart. Every minute is me keeping my head above water – but only just.
I’m not depressed and I’m not anxious.
I’m grieving and I don’t know how to stop. I don’t think I ever will. How can I?
No matter how much the sun shines or how much good news I hear, my daughter is still dead.
She’s never coming back. I won’t hear her laugh or see her smile ever again.
I won’t watch her grow up, see her get married, graduate or have children. Her life is gone and part of me went with it. I won’t get that part back.
I’m not saying that every day is awful. I do smile, I laugh and I feel joy, but nothing is quite as sweet and nothing is quite as funny as it used to be.
I am fully accepting of this truth though, and I also think that everyone understands me lying to them.
Maybe one day I’ll say ‘I’m good’ and it will be the truth.
On the 1st of March 2012, Lucy’s 3-year old daughter, her middle child, tragically died after being hit by a speeding motorist.